Does it feel like a trial?

I just realized something I never have before.

I lack self-confidence. Not in most things - in intellectual and physical pursuits, not at all - but in interpersonal matters? Quite a bit. I know intellectually that some people find me attractive, and that some people even find me physically attractive, but I’ve had a hard time accepting that concept, because my mental model of myself is of someone who is competent but generally unattractive. I just… I just can’t do it. I’m insecure about relationships, because I don’t understand people or why they do things.

It was probably compounded by the fact that I didn’t really have any friends other than my family for most of my life. My sister was kind of a brat when she was younger, and she would criticize everything I did - more significantly, she’d say all the things she didn’t like about me to any friend I had over, which (due to our ages at the time) generally meant that my friend would, instead, become her friend, and no longer want to spend time with me. Most of my friends were lost this way when I was growing up, and it’s left an impression.

I’ll be going to bed soon.

I thought I would be already, but my sister has apparently thrown a minor tantrum of some kind and is curled up in the dark behind the couch in our living room. She told me to go away when I found her there.

Partial stimulus may have been when I delayed her going to bed (she’s currently sleeping on the bottom bunk of my bed) because I was in the middle of a game, and she’s volatile enough that that may have been reason enough. /sigh

Also, my dad and my brother’s girlfriend (who’s working with him) are still talking shop in his office, which is adjacent to my room, so I couldn’t get to sleep anyway.

As of one hour ago, I am finished with Spring term.

My computational physics project, which simulated the movement of stars in a star cluster, had a couple of twists:

1. A highly advanced alien species had created an arena, which the stars could not leave. Any star that contacted the boundary immediately lost 75% of its momentum and was teleported to the opposite side of the arena.
2. The aliens didn’t want the stars to merge, so any contact between stellar bodies instead imparted a huge increase in momentum to both stars in opposite directions, causing them to fly apart.

It turned out to my satisfaction, and it’s actually kind of hypnotic to watch. This also means that, suddenly, I have TIME TO DO THINGS! Everyone, if you want to play any game on Steam with me, send me an ask and I’ll give you my ID! I can also work on cosplays for Kumoricon, so if you’re going to be there, too, let me know and we can coordinate costumes.

Back from my performance.

IT WAS REALLY WARM. I did three of the fastest, bounciest dances in a row, and got sunburned, and my lungs felt like the lower halves were filled with bricks for a while, but I kept a smile on and kept dancing well. It was a terrible performance. We had two hours to practice before the performance started and by the end we still had only a vague idea of who was doing which dances with whom, and it ended up with a bunch of not-so-good dancers being put in dances which they liked but didn’t know well.

I did my parts, and tried to help others with theirs, but we still had some interesting difficulties.

Have I ever told you guys how much I want to sleep under a skylight?

Wherever I move, if I have a choice, I’m going to have a large skylight over my bed. I love looking at the stars, and can you imagine being able to go comfortably to sleep while seeing the entire sky above you? I’ve been able to sleep under the stars only a few times, since my family camping trips are usually in wooded areas in tents, but it’s always been a magical experience.

Also my romantic feelings are acting up again, so I’m envisioning sharing that with a partner, and I kind of (see: completely) want that to happen soon.

I need to go to bed.

I have a fair bit of work to do. 12 days left in the term.

TWELVE DAYS. I’ve gotta’ get my butt in gear and just power through this. I can’t afford to slack now.

Also, my chemistry lab partner apparently works at the restaurant that we took my mom to for her birthday dinner, and was our waitress. She’s really excellent at chemistry, especially in lab. I guess some of the same skills (namely steady hands) carry over to waitressing.

Anyway, sleep well, everyone! You are all lovely people whose acquaintance I am privileged to have made. Have excellent dreams.

Reblog so people know who you are

skellagirl:

pizzopaps:

Name: Rowan

Tumblr names: pizzopaps

Nicknames: Pappy, Browan, Rowanda

Birthday: February 21st, 1996

Relationship status: Pretty darn single.

Random Fact About You: I like to collect a lot of useless shit and then put it in piles all over the fucking place and make a guddamn mess but I’m too lazy to sort through and clean up

Name: Hailey

Tumblr names: Skellagirl

Nicknames: Skella, Lucky calls me Storm sometimes, and Theo calls me Skellababe sometimes

Birthday: September 4th, 1991 (WHY ARE ALL YOU PEEPS SO YOUNG GHSDFKFJG)

Relationship status: Single

Random Fact About You: I’m gosh-danged KAWAII YA’LL

Name: Marshall

Tumblr names: Doctor Lucky, Doktor Misfortune

Nicknames: Lucky, Doc Luck, The Doktor.

Birthday: September 13th, 1991 (I KNOW BASICALLY A BABY COMPARED TO YOU)

Relationship status: Single (since I was born)

Random Fact About You: I’m a college senior in a physics program and like to dance.

(Source: mstrueimage)

Tagged by Nessy - lotsa’ questions and some arty stuff.

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Got a haircut!

Well, ‘cut’ may not be quite the right word - I got shorn.

1” buzz. It’s so much easier to take care of!

Alright, I finished two and a half pages of the exoplanet paper

Really, it’s not a bother to write and read about exoplanets. They’re REALLY COOL.

Or really hot. Only rarely are they somewhere in-between.

I’d almost forgotten how much I loved reading about exoplanetary research and astronomy in general. Classes, why haven’t you been assigning me work this fun? I’m in physics! Physics is supposed to be interesting and fun, always.

When I teach people about physics, I’m going to make it fun. How can you expect someone to learn otherwise?

WOW this has become a post about pedagogy. Good night, everyone! Sleep well!

Don’t you think it’s just really cool

When you meet a guy who’s not always interested in one-upping you in a testosterone-driven haze of competition and rivalry? It’s pretty great.

Unfortunately, one of my lab partners for the chemistry lab write-up I’m doing was of that sort. I had a partner like that through my entire first term, and he was prone to doing things like randomly kick out the back of my knees while we were listening to instructions on how to use a piece of equipment, just ‘cause he was bored. This new guy is, I think, a lot nicer than my prior partner, but he still has the irritating habit of lying with a straight face when you ask him something, then suddenly breaking into laughter as if it were the funniest thing in the WORLD and giving you the truth. I’m fine with that among friends, but not when I’m in the ultra-precise lab mindset. It complicates things.

Anyway, just so you all know, I endeavour to be as different from that sort of person as possible and respect everyone.

I have a friend who is absolutely obsessed with the idea of humans turning into Pokemon.

All of his art and fiction is about it - it’s always forceful and unwanted, but then the human likes being a Pokemon immediately afterwards. There is frequently a lady-Pokemon who is then united with the person.

To be honest, it’s a little disturbing.

I’m going to go to bed.

I’m sick, sore, and tired, but nevertheless quite happy. It was good to spend time with my friends and just relax after this term.

Sleep well, everybody. I hope your birthday was as fantastic as YOU are, Nessy!